Lama's log

Yep, it's that time of year again. I spent the day trogging round the Eden project and having a thoroughly good time with the kids. Sam displayed good 'stranger danger' training and ran up to a random man to show him what he had made and the tell him, 'I live at 7 Newfield Crescent which sounds like present but it isn't'. Great, another level of parenthood failed. Ho hum.

Anyway, the Eden project had half term Halloween stuff on. All the kids lined up to make a 'positive potion' in an autumnal tent. Bits of plant, glitter and goodness knows what went into little jars which we labeled with whatever they then told us they did. The kids loved it. I loved doing it with them. At one point my sister turns to me and says, 'we should do this at the light party'. Then the light dawns on her as she realizes that that might just be the end of me as it would be one self destruct button too many.

And this is the problem you see, I am back at this time of year, enjoying making pumpkin soup but having to hide the carved one in the back yard. Worrying about what to do about 'trick or treating' because I don't actually think its such a bad idea and I think the kids will miss out and eventually, worse than that, resent church a little for making them miss out if I don't let them go. I'm not too sure that by dressing up and making a scary pumpkin I am delving into the realm of the dark arts and to cap it off, I'm none too sure why I feel so bad about this when we're all going to stand round cheering in a few more nights anyway when we all throw Catholic effigies on a pyre.

Now I know that all this venting is because I have three gorgeous little people wanting to get excited about Halloween and at the same time I would like to appear, just once, as a good Christian mother, rather than the delinquent wanton one that I pull off with aplomb. In desperation then I turn to the fail safe that every good Christian has tucked away, their trusty WWJD bracelet and I ponder (just in case you're wondering I don't actually have one). That's the thing though, I don't bloody know WJWD! Jesus didn't tolerate evil stuff but on the other hand he didn't tolerate people going ape about nothing either.

So, if you have the definitive response to this please then leave a comment. I would appreciate advice, guidance and good council (so yes Andy that means no comments from you please).

I know I've been neglecting posting for too long. I blame facebook. Well, that and my lack of will power. To get back to it then. A while ago now I attended a YBMF AGM. Yep, I know, far too many letters. Due to everyone else’s disparaging remarks regarding my sat nav the machine was left at home and we traveled to this event in Mary's car.

I point out now that I took no pleasure in the fact that we got hopelessly lost in Leeds and I magnanimously conceded that it must really be the will of God that we couldn't seem to find a church that Mary herself had been to several times previously. Sadly, however, we were journeying with a student minister who has not yet done the 'will of God' module at college and the persistent little bugger kept going with the map until we found the venue. The only consolation I have for that fact, is that he regretted his persistence around 2 minutes into the event.

I digress. As it turned out the speaker wasn’t half bad when he got going. I enjoyed looking at pieces of art and exploring the theme of experiencing God. The kick off though left me cold. The events are always the same in make up. Loads of middle aged, middle class men. We always sit in rows, we always pray, we have to sing and we are, unmistakably, of an ilk.

When then the speaker, through use of a piece of art, described us as ‘nonconformists’ I listened a little more attentively. In fact, it would be safe to say, I listened with a little annoyance. You see, it is clear to me and actually to anyone who cared to observe us, that the one thing we couldn’t be called was/is ‘nonconformist’. We are born out of a history of it I’ll grant you but there is little identification with it. We don’t know our history or revisit it, we don’t take pride in it or put into practice the radicality of it.

To drive home the point the speaker had us stand in rows to sing a Bonhoeffer hymn together. There were too many ironies all at the same time for me to make sense of them in my head. There is an offense to the Gospel when we kid ourselves that we identify with those who struck out for word and works while laying fallow. We sing Bonhoeffer and live Pharaoh. It’s not that I’m not doing it, I am but hell I’m not going to tell myself I’m on the cutting edge when I belong to and affirm a sexist, middle class, traditional, wealthy Christian group. I’m in the church, the Baptist wing of it and lets call a spade a spade. I don’t want to beat myself or others for what we are ‘cause for one thing there’s loads of good bits. It’s just that I don’t like us lying about who and what we are. It just builds another layer of separation between us, the outside world and the Gospel.

Well this is what happens when I post I end up getting all crabby. I blame ……. Oh me I guess…

Being a team leader of substance Mary has initiated a time of reflection in our Monday morning Prayer and planning slots. It's should be good. I don't care much for group reflection and before you jump on me I do understand the benefits, it's simply that I don't enjoy the process of it. It's a bit like taking the banana flavoured antibiotics you used to get as a kid. You know you're going to get healthier as a result but it's rotten to take and people say it tastes better than it really does.

Anyway we started last Monday. The reflection wasn't mine but it was based on the Sunday evening preach which had been given by one of the regional ministers on Jeremiah and was top notch. The point of reflection talked about feeling overwhelmed by the terror of the world and what this can do to faith and how we approach life (this is an oversimplification). The gist being that given the enormity of what we're up against it can quite easily send you running for the hills or put you in a state of inertia. How do you be a follower of Christ when the problems are too many and too big. Now I don't want any answers please, not even a theological suggestion. I already have one, nicely worked out and thoroughly reached.

That's was the problem. Reflecting is about just that, reflecting. Not jumping straight to the answer but staying with the issue for a while before you go to the next phase. Patience has never been one of my strong points. I jumped in far too soon in the reflective process and my rather oversized approach has stuck with me since. Church meetings need the same care. They need to dwell consider and understand process and method. The outcome is sometimes far less important that the approach.

And that brings me back to the thoughts that I had in the first place. You see I reckon Jesus must have cared more about how he lived than how he died. The process of his calling rather than the outcome of his actions. He must have been obedient rather than searching for quantitative outcomes. Why else would he go into Jerusalem? It was nuts. Living discipleship whatever the result was important. To act in rightness not result.

That's what I think but then I've gone and jumped the gun again. The terror is real and we are right to be scared and overwhelmed and if that's not dwelt upon and felt and understood the the answers only skim the surface of the terror and we never even come close to escaping it. I think then I shall dwell in the world for a while longer than I have been and feel the need for Jesus and the shear improbability of hope.