Lama's log

I know it was ages ago but I've had a a quick trip to Germany to squeez in.

Day three saw feed back from the racial justice issues raised and some space given over to discuss the stipend issue a little further.

The racial justice stuff was a bit disappointing. I realise the apology last November was an exceptional meeting but still...

It became obvious that in many of the associations little had been done or articulated with regard to the apology. One of the reasons for this is quite simply, how do you communicate the apology? It was exceptional. We are also now post apology so it's not a question of getting people to the point of wanting to issue anything, they are now in a place where they need to own it. I also suspect that for many it is not even a relevant issue to be discussed and this in itself is a problem. So what to do? Well Jonathan said a seminar had been given over at assembly! Yep a seminar. Thankfully council suggested that more testimony was given in large spaces so many people rather than a few would hear. I think this will be considered and done.

The small group was the same as last time. We discussed questions given to us and I was yet again in the uncomfortable position of watching while one woman failed to be able to articulate the word 'black'. Instead she looked uncomfortable for a while, stuttered while trying to make her point and then looked at the only black guy in the room and said, 'you know, people like you'. Oh please. No wonder we have issues taking this back into churches.

Yep, overall council was like the longest church meeting you've ever been to. At points I felt that there were a lot of people striving to do their very best for God. At other times there were lots of people who just loved committees making the most of their inbuilt pedant and the love of their own voice.

As for the stipend question, I think there will be a review in the light of the angst of the room. It was good to see space given for people to vent a little even though not really in line with procedure.

Overall, it was knackering but I remain having a sense that it is a place where people work out what it means to be interconnected in denomination and to follow Christ.

Gosh yesterday was arduous. I think the discussion on the word 'good' was a particular high point. I guess though that the significant bits were around the Home Mission discussions. The financial presentation showed how the denomination had missed its giving target and the worries about this were highlighted. The BU reserves are set to dry up in 5 years at current projections.

We listened to this and took note. It was interesting then when the issue stipends came up. Especially with regard to home mission. The rise in salary will not match inflation. It is rather in line with other public sector workers. There was outrage and a a very tense moment when people clearly wanted to speak but were not allowed due to procedure and protocol.

For me it was interesting that the outrage did not arrive earlier. We are not going to be able to pay Home Mission ministers more if we don't work hard at giving more. My experience is though that many of our churches are not really engaged in Home Mission in any real way. Out of sight out of mind. We are not aware enough of our structures and of what Home Mission does unless we get to the point of need.

If that outrage in the room turns into working towards increased giving then it will not have been wasted but we do need to take some responsibility for the fact that some ministers work in near poverty. It was also worth noting how desperate the housing situation is for ministers retiring without equity. Basically if you have a manse through your working career then you are homeless at the end of it. Poverty then at both ends.

I hope the passion from the meeting translates into more advocacy for Home Mission.

I'm back at the BU council in Swanwick. It's an interesting one given the enormity of what happened last time. How do you follow a gathering that is being freely described here as a pentecost?

Yesterday we looked at the issues of children's workers. There was a move to have them put on a 'recognised' list. The aim being to show that their work is highly valued and to give them access into further support and training. This looked like a no brainer to start with. Why not.

Well, as it turn out the why not lays in definition. So why would we 'recognise' a children's worker but not accredit them. There was dispute over whether their job was ministerial or not. There was dispute over the role of children in communion and whether that made a difference to the nature of a children's workers role.

We talked and talked and then it was slung back to the ministry department to have a look at again. We are not likely to see this come up again until council reviews who is on the accredited list and why and apparently that won't happen much before 4 years time.

Now all this is pretty, well..... committee esq. It struck me though particularly at this council because the one thing this discussion lacked was the physical presence of a children's worker and the story they could bring. What do they think about going on a list and which list would they want to be represented on and why? The last council was so incredible because we allowed people to speak. We heard voices from those concerned. The model was successful and I am now wondering if it is just to be left as an exception in the past or if we can implement this as a rather good way of doing business. Not just in council but in association and beyond......

When I was around 22 I had one of the worst years of my life. It kicked off with my Grandmother dying of a rather horrid cancer riddled death and I struggled with it. I recall not understanding the concept of death. What happened at four minutes past six that meant she was dead when at three minutes past six she was still alive. It made no sense to me at the time.

I went to church at the end of that day. It was a Sunday. I don't know what I expected, I just knew that things were now operating in a spiritual dimension for me and I needed some help with it. I told one or two people that knew me well and who I trusted. They seemed to feel the need to hug me. This didn't help. I realise this aspect of my personality puts me at odds but there it is. I didn't really want anyone to tell me, 'there there we care', I needed some insight of what on earth was happening and how I could speak Jesus into this and find a way through with some sense of God.

The year got worse from there and in the end I resigned from work bought a rucksack and headed off. As I was trogging through the Himalayas I picked up a book that everyone was raving about. 'The Tibetan Book Of Living and Dying'. It's a very long time ago now since I read it but I remember feeling like I could breath again. There were techniques to deal with suffering and death, stories to help with the spiritual conflict I was experiencing. I read it and took a whole heap of stuff on board.

I reflected after reading that book that the expression of Christianity I was involved in was stripped of serious engagement in the spiritual. Platitudes and niceties were all that were expressed ( heartfelt though I think they were). There was nowhere and no-one who could engage with me on the horror of what I just witnessed, her body ransacked with tumors from her armpit to her vulva. There was no one to help me place it in the Christian story.

I have been reflecting a lot on that time this lent. The Buddhist communities I have experience of, place a lot of stock in how you are when you die. The importance of being at peace and in a good state of mind. A lot of time is spent on freeing yourself from the erratic mood swings we often go through and the trivial attachments that we are often bogged down with.

Christianity has at the centre of it a saviour who died in agony. He was racked with pain. He was one of the despised and his body at the end was in tatters. I have a faith context which speaks of a God who dwelt directly in abject pain and is identified in brokenness. Other faiths turn their face away from Christ's crucifixion because it's too hard. It's not a reflection of the holy for them. I believe in a God who walked with the least and suffered in His humanity.

It should have been my Christian context that was able to ease the pain of that time. God Himself was tortured and racked with pain yet I felt unable to connect with that side of my history. I was living with a resurrection community and as such we often also turn our faces away from Christ crucified. We have our empty crucifixes with Easter morning skimming sweetly over Good Friday as if it didn't count. When we do this we run the risk of denying our spiritual reality and we also allow ourselves the possibility of turning our faces away from the despised and the suffering in our communities. It allows us to tell ourselves we are better and different to them. We may be a bit bad but they are on a different level. We separate ourselves from suffering so we are not reminded too forcibly about our own frailty, we forget we follow a despised and bloodied saviour. That we meet with this saviour on the cross as well as outside the empty tomb.

Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 1:23-24:

23but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, 24but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.

There is a massive unacceptability in the crucifixion which I think I am starting to touch on again. I'm hoping to be able to understand it more deeply as the power and wisdom of God and display some of our innate spirituality through it.

We are covenanting together this Sunday. While we voluntarily tie ourselves to each other and to God we will also break bread and share company with David Shosanya.

I have been putting the order of service together this morning and reflecting on the fact that covenanting services have the effect of making me feel hopeful and at the same time inadequate. Being in community offers me a richness and diversity in living and being. It also means that that I open myself to others and stand in vulnerability way way beyond my comfort zone. I am both drawn to it and repelled by it. The constant struggle for me is to wake up and affirm my choice to follow Jesus and that means to walk in meaningful fellowship with other people. This does mean that people will not only be able to see the witty bright Kez but the broken and inadequate Kez too. It's hard to choose to put that on display