Lama's log

I preached yesterday afternoon to a congregation of no more than ten. A normal service was inappropriate but we ploughed on regardless because that's what was wanted and required. The guy on the piano was sweet but at 92 and hard of hearing was struggling which meant that we in turn struggled. All of that, as surreal and off the wall as it was, was OK though. In fact I found quite a lot of it very amusing. The notices were the place where my ass got bit. The usual was given until we heard that next week there will be a strawberry tea. Quite lovely. Tickets £3.50 please buy one 'you don't need to come just buy the ticket'. Right there was a significant reason there were just 10 of us. It didn't so much matter about relationships or Christ. Just pay your subs and go.

This was a line passed on to me. It referred to a friendly lament about the type of families coming into a particular church community. I know what they mean. Often I am in wonderment at the lives of people around me. Sometimes in their complexity or brokenness. Here's the thing though.... I would have joined in the friendly lament except for the fact that I too am now one of the abnormal families. I am now one of the complicated ones with a slightly if not, predominantly broken edge to them.

Problem is, I'm a bit touchy about it. I hate being divorced. Really hate it, its hard and painful and the car crash of it goes on and on and on. I also hate the connotations it carries, you know, took the easy way out, not committed enough, not quite the right Christian model. The reason I know some of these connotations (and a few more besides) are around is that lots of people aren't able to mention the 'd' word to me, eyes are averted and subjects changed. On other occasions I myself struggle to utter the words 'ex-husband' without feeling shame and inadequacy. There is an immediate desire for me to start explaining myself to people coupled with the overriding factor that it's none of their sodding business.

So... where are all the normal families? I have no idea. I know I'd like to still be classed as one. It gives you a bit more clout and credibility. Stops you feeling like you have to apologize for how your life's turned out.

Then again maybe there is something about my own view being a bit skewed. I can only feel this suggested shame if I buy into the criteria set. I don't need to adopt people's bench marks as my own. It's hard though. Its much more comfortable to show benevolence and understanding than it is to rely on someone else's. Damn my pride.

In the mean time I hope to see many more abnormal families in church this week if for no other reason than to keep me company.